


de profundis

by sinfulslasher (Gaby)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Discussion of kink, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, NSFW Art, Non-Sexual Bondage, discussion of mental health issues, marking (biting), mention of verbal abuse, mention of volatile behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaby/pseuds/sinfulslasher
Summary: The Mark of Cain storyline takes more out of Jensen than he can handle. Good thing that he's got Jared to help him deal.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Author's Notes:** Written for the first ever J2 RBB, based on loracine's [amazing art](http://loracine.livejournal.com/29896.html). Thank you for being so patient with me while I struggled to finish this story despite RL standing in the way. Thanks also to the mods for granting me an extension so I could actually get the fic ready and posted.  
>  **Additional Author's Notes:** The title is Latin for "from the depths" and basically means "from out of the depths of misery or dejection" which describes Jensen's journey in this story.  
>  **Beta by:** elrhiarhodan - thank you for the super-speedy coming-to-the-rescue beta!  
>  **Spoilers:** set around the later part of season 9 and right before season 10, so assume all episodes for that time period  
>  **Disclaimer:** Not mine, never were, never will be, gosh darn it!  
>  Jared, Jensen and any other recognizable actors belong to themselves. The depiction of them as characters in this story has nothing to do with the actual persons. No disrespect is intended.

  
[ ](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/sinfulslasher/6185781/502069/502069_original.jpg)  


Even though it was only a little after ten, Jared decided to turn in. He had tried to learn his lines for the scenes they were scheduled to shoot tomorrow, but his concentration was shot to pieces. No wonder, really, considering the clusterfuck that work had been earlier today.

Jared sighed, rubbed a hand over his eyes, and got off the couch. Making it an early night would hopefully give him a good night's sleep and enough energy and mental strength to make it through tomorrow. Three scenes featuring only Sam and Dean -- something he would've looked forward to in the past now made Jared's stomach clench.

He sighed again and made his way toward his bedroom when someone suddenly knocked on his apartment door.

Jared stopped and stared at the closed door in confusion. Nobody who wasn't on the approved list got past the concierge, and even then, he would normally get a call informing him who was on their way up to his apartment. His eyes cut to his phone. It remained silent. Instead, someone knocked on the door again, louder and more insistently.

There were only a very select few people who didn't get announced via phone call, like Gen or...

Jared's eyes widened in realization and he went to open the door.

"Dude, we gotta talk."

Jared barely managed to take the half-step back that was necessary to avoid being run over by Jensen, who stormed past him into the apartment. He blinked stupidly at the empty hallway, sighed and muttered, "Come on in, why don't you?" He carefully closed the door and turned around to see Jensen pacing up and down the living room, looking like a caged tiger.

Not entirely sure what to make of this impromptu visit, Jared finally just said, "So, uh...hi."

Up until a few weeks ago, it would've been perfectly normal to have Jensen show up at his doorstep at any and all hours of the day. Hell, chances would've been to have Jensen sitting on his couch for hours already because they seemed to be connected at the hip. There was a running joke among the cast and crew that the Winchesters' ridiculous codependency had nothing on Jared and Jensen's friendship.

Lately, however, things had changed drastically, and it was due to Jensen's increasingly erratic behavior. He was aggressive and volatile, and it only seemed to get worse every day.

Jensen stopped pacing for a moment, scratching the inside of his lower right arm absently. He gave Jared a quick look, as if unsure of his welcome. "Hey," he said nervously.

Jared had no idea what was going on or how to deal with the situation. He watched as Jensen sat down on the couch, as if forcing himself to calm down, though his left knee immediately began to bounce. "You, uh...you came here straight from set?" Jared finally asked. It was ridiculous, trying to find something to talk about. Jensen was his best friend, and here he was, hard-pressed to come up with small talk.

"Yeah." Jensen jumped up and began to pace again.

Jared nodded slowly. "Long day, huh?" Which was a pretty ridiculous question, considering that they had probably wrapped around nine for Jensen to be standing in his living room now. Jared knew that it was unlikely that they would be done before midnight tomorrow, and shooting would finish progressively later during the week, but it was only Monday and normally the crew tried to be done at a reasonable hour. At least he had only had one scene to shoot today and had been back in his apartment by mid-afternoon, but Jared knew that Jensen had been on set all day.

"Yeah." Jensen scratched his arm again and then took a shuddering breath. He stopped a couple of feet away from Jared and gave his friend a slightly unsure look. "I need your help, man."

Jared blinked. This was pretty much the last thing he had expected to hear. "Okay," he said, nodding slowly. "Okay. I'm here for you, buddy. You know that, right?" He slowly sat down on one end of the couch, keeping a careful eye on Jensen as if afraid to spook him.

Jensen looked ready to bolt. "I...I know." He grimaced. "Well, I hoped." He made a conscious decision to sit down at the other end of the couch and rubbed his palms on his thighs. "Dude, there's something wrong with me."

Jared felt like a huge weight was lifted off of him. Admitting that you had a problem was the first step and made accepting help possible. He had tried to talk to Jensen numerous times, whenever things had escalated on set, but Jensen had either brushed him off or verbally attacked him. Maybe now they would be able to talk about whatever was wrong like adults. "Can you tell me what you think is wrong with you?"

Jensen shrugged. His knee started to bounce again. "Something just feels...off. I can't put my finger on it. I'm just not myself lately." He shrugged again.

Jared nodded. Granted, this was the understatement of the year, but they seemed to be on the right track. He looked hopeful but wanted to make sure they were talking about the same thing. "Can you give me an example?"

"Well...this morning..." Jensen mumbled.

"You mean when you made the guest star cry?" Jared asked, trying his best not to sound accusatory. He remembered vividly leaving the hair and make-up trailer on his way to set and almost being run over by the young actress, bawling her eyes out.

"She kept flubbing her lines!" Jensen immediately exclaimed, his eyes blazing.

This was definitely the Jensen Jared had gotten used to over the last few weeks, volatile and aggressive. "I doubt she did it on purpose," he replied calmly.

"She screwed up take after take!"

"The way we like to do on purpose?" Jared asked mildly. "Remember how we like to screw up a perfectly good take just to get material for the gag reel?"

"That was different." Jensen looked pissed.

"Yeah, the difference being that the guest star is a teenager who clearly couldn't deal with your charming personality." There was no heat in Jared's voice, but Jensen still took offense to the statement and jumped up to pace again.

"Bastard," he muttered.

Jared just shrugged and leaned back. He knew that he was treading on thin ice at the moment but prayed that Jensen coming to him for help gave him enough leeway to speak some hard truths. He regarded his friend calmly. "What about last Friday?"

"What about last Friday?" Jensen shot back, though the look on his face clearly told Jared that he knew exactly what Jared was hinting at. "They almost made me miss my flight home!"

"The lighting equipment failed. It happens."

"It took them over an hour to get it working again!"

"This isn't like screwing in a new light bulb, Jensen. You know that."

"Still."

"You called the crew 'a bunch of incompetent yahoos'," Jared pointed out reasonably.

Jensen immediately postured. "Well, they were!"

Jared just cocked his head and regarded him calmly.

"I just wanted to go home!"

"And they didn't?"

"They live right here. I had a damn plane to catch."

Jared just raised an eyebrow and waggled his fingers at Jensen in greeting. "Hello, neighbor," he said meaningfully.

Jensen took a deep breath and rubbed a hand over his face. He visibly deflated. "You're right," he said quietly and then gave Jared a helpless look. "That's what I mean, dude. I just...blow up." He threw his arms wide, as if to demonstrate. "And I can't help it. Like, I'm watching myself do it and tell myself to stop but I _can't_."

Jared nodded slowly. This was pretty much what he had already figured out himself but he was relieved to hear Jensen describe the situation in his own words. "You do know that this has been going on for weeks now, right?" he asked carefully.

Jensen sighed and hung his head. "Subconsciously maybe."

"So what made you come here tonight?" Jared asked, genuinely curious. "Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad you came."

Jensen managed a small smile at that, obviously glad that he was still welcome at Jared's. Then he grew serious and sighed again. "Daneel," he said simply.

Jared was quiet for a long moment. "What about her?"

"I know it sounds stupid but...she didn't want to sleep with me." Jensen grimaced and scratched the inside of his right arm absent-mindedly again. "Like, we were getting ready to...you know...and she suddenly said no."

Jared looked slightly worried. "But you didn't--"

"What? Force myself on her?" Jensen shot him a death glare. "What the hell is wrong with you, dude? No means no." He began to pace again. "It was just weird. She almost seemed scared of me." He looked absolutely devastated.

Jared thought for a long moment. Of course he was just as devastated as his friend was but at the same time, he was glad that this situation had apparently shocked Jensen into action. "She was," he finally said quietly. "Scared, I mean."

Jensen immediately rounded on him. "What?"

"Daneel. She told me she was scared."

Jensen looked murderous. "When did you talk to my wife?"

"She called me this morning and asked me what was going on with you." Jared raised his hands in a placating manner. "You're doing it again, Jensen. I'm not your enemy here."

Jensen's entire body visibly trembled but he forced himself to take a couple of calming breaths. "Sorry," he finally muttered. "Can't help it."

"But we can work on that." Jared smiled reassuringly.

"How can we work on something when we don't know what the problem is?" Jensen asked exasperatedly.

Jared just gave his friend a contemplative look. Finally, he said, "I have a theory."

"Oh, you do, do you?" Jensen snarked.

Not taking the bait, Jared just nodded. "I've been thinking about this for a while now, you know? I've been trying to find a way to help you for weeks."

Jensen looked as if someone had slapped him across the face. "You have?"

"You're my best friend, dude. Seriously. Don't you think it's not breaking my heart to see you like this?"

Jensen looked even more gobsmacked. "I... Wow, okay." He needed a few moments to digest this. "Thank you," he finally just said quietly. "What's your theory then?"

Jared shrugged, as if the answer was obvious. To him, it actually was. "Character bleed."

Jensen immediately snorted derisively.

"Hey, been there and done that. Do you think it was easy for me, playing soulless Sam?"

"That was different. That was you."

Jared chose not to be offended though it was difficult not to lash out in defense. "Look, I admit that I was a bit surprised myself when I figured it out. I mean, you never seemed to have a problem when Dean came back from Purgatory, for example, and he was a pretty damn loose cannon back then."

"Exactly. I don't do character bleed. I can turn Dean on and off whenever I want, just like you with Sam."

"Hmm-hmm." Jared's eyes dropped to Jensen's left hand, which was once again scratching the inside of his right arm. "Do you even realize what you're doing there?" he asked, sounding almost amused.

Jensen looked at his left hand and immediately stopped scratching. In fact, he pulled his hand away as if burned. "What the hell?" he whispered.

"Mark of Cain, Jensen. When you're losing it on set, you're channeling Dean. You're doing an awesome job portraying him this season, showing how he's slowly losing control because the Mark is taking over, but dude, it's scary as hell when it's you and not Dean."

"I..." Jensen had no idea how to respond to this. "But I've never..."

"First time for everything." Jared shrugged. "And of course you chose something ridiculously complicated for your first time." He cracked a slight smile. "Over-achiever."

"This isn't funny," Jensen muttered. "Make it go away."

"Well, I have an idea for that, too."

"Yeah? Like what?"

Jared got up and took a few steps towards his bedroom. "You gotta promise me to keep an open mind here," he said, holding up his hands beseechingly.

Jensen just raised an eyebrow at that.

"Will you promise to at least try to stay calm and listen to my idea?"

Jensen thought about that for a long moment and then nodded once. " _Try_ being the operative word here," he muttered with a self-deprecating shrug, but then he purposefully sat down on the couch again as if to show that he really was willing to be a calm and attentive listener.

"Great. That's all I ask." Jared flashed a quick, slightly unsure smile and left the living room.

When he came back a minute later, Jared reiterated, "Remember, try to stay calm and listen to my idea, okay?" He placed something on the coffee table.

Jensen rolled his eyes and then gave the rolled up rope on the table a look. "You want to play cowboys and Indians?" he asked in disbelief.

Jared chuckled and sat down next to his friend. "No." He was trying to find the right words to explain when Jensen suddenly had an epiphany.

"You're a kinky pervert!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening. "Are you perving on me, Padalecki? You wanna tie me up or something?"

Jared took a slow, deep breath, telling himself to remain calm. "I'm not a pervert, Jensen. And whether or not I'm kinky is completely beside the point here." He held up one hand when Jensen opened his mouth to speak. "But yes, in a nutshell, I do want to tie you up."

Jensen jumped up and immediately began to pace again. "No fucking way," he growled.

"You promised to try to stay calm and listen to my idea, remember?"

"Yeah well, I tried. It's not happening."

"You didn't try very hard." Jared gave his friend a disappointed look. "This has absolutely nothing to do with kinky sex. In fact, getting off on tying you up is pretty much the last thing on my mind."

The calmly spoken words, combined with the look, cut Jensen to the quick and he stopped pacing.

"Look, I understand your reluctance, but if you just let me explain, I think you'll be open to my idea. At least I hope you will be."

Jensen didn't look convinced but he gave a quick inquisitive grunt.

Encouraged, Jared picked up the rope again. "This is bondage rope," he began, and when Jensen opened his mouth to argue, he quickly added, "Bondage does _not_ equal kinky sex play. It just means that this rope is made out of specific material that guarantees comfort even after prolonged use. Trust me, I know. I _should_ know, having been on the receiving end countless times."

Jensen sat down heavily at that.

"Well, at least now I have your undivided attention," Jared continued with a slight grin. Then he grew serious. "Look, I freely admit that this might not work for you. I hope it will and I actually firmly believe it will, but there's no guarantee."

"What did you mean; you've been on the receiving end countless times?"

Jared watched Jensen fidgeting in place, as if forcing himself not to start pacing again. Jared sighed at that but accepted that his friend was clearly freaking out. "You know I've had my own issues to deal with in the past. Well, I'm still dealing with them and probably always will." He tapped his temple slightly. "And that's okay. I've got several coping mechanisms. This is one of them." He nodded at the rope.

"But...how?"

Jared smiled at the confused look on Jensen's face. "Sometimes I get hyperactive," he began, only to be interrupted by Jensen's sarcastic snort. "Okay, more than hyperactive. I'm like an over-excited puppy who doesn't know how to stop. When you told me that you can't stop yourself from lashing out at others? I could totally relate. There are times when I watch myself act like a kid on a sugar rush and I _know_ I'm out of control but I can't stop myself, no matter how much I tell myself to rein it in."

Jensen looked riveted. "You do?"

"Absolutely. So yes, I do get it. My...behavioral problems might not be yours, at least not how they manifest, but the basic result is the same. We're out of control -- granted, for different reasons -- and we realize we're out of control but we can't stop ourselves. So, we need help." Jared shrugged, as if the solution was obvious.

"And the help is being tied up?" Jensen asked doubtfully.

Jared nodded. "For me, it is. Again, it might not work for you, but I really do believe it will." He leaned forward, wanting to make sure that Jensen was paying complete attention. "I can't really explain how or why, but when I'm tied down...after a while, all this nervous energy and my brain going a million miles an hour stops. I get out of my head. It's not that I'm forced to focus on something else, it's that I'm allowed to stop thinking."

Jensen frowned in confusion.

"I'm not explaining this well," Jared muttered to himself in frustration. "After a while, I just get into a different headspace. And it's not the same as playing kinky games. I'm not in subspace, not really."

"Sub...space?" Jensen blinked. "I've heard about...you know..." He waved one hand around vaguely. "Are you...? I mean, do you...?"

Jared nodded with a shrug. "Play kinky games? Sometimes. But it's purely for fun, not to help me with my issues. I guess some people combine both, and that's perfectly fine. Safe, sane, consensual and all that. For me, I need to compartmentalize these things."

Jensen mulled this over for a while. Finally, he gave the rope another look. "If you're the one being tied up when...when you n-need it... How would you know...uh..." He waved at the rope helplessly.

"How to tie you up properly?" Jared flashed a grin. "When it's for kinky fun, I'm the one doing the tying, Jensen. Trust me, I know my way around ropes."

Jensen stared at his friend with wide eyes. "It's like I don't even know you," he whispered, equal parts awed and shocked.

Jared just chuckled. "So, what do you think?"

"It's just...I don't understand how this is supposed to work."

"It seems like a paradox," Jared agreed. "Being tied down makes you feel liberated. I can't really explain how or why. I can just tell you that it does. Well, for me." He reached out to gently, carefully place his hand on Jensen's right arm, exactly where the Mark of Cain usually was. "And I really hope for you too."

Jensen reached out to touch the rope. He let it run through his fingers, as if trying to get a feel for it. "Soft", he whispered.

"Very," Jared agreed. "You can have it wrapped around you and won't get any rope burn or chafing, even when you're moving around. And trust me, you will, at least in the beginning."

"What? Why?" Jensen asked, alarmed.

"Because you'll be jittery and full of nervous energy. That's why we're talking about trying this out, right? Your body will want to move but the ropes will keep you immobile. Or, at least, restrict your movement. I think the immobility thing would be too much in the beginning."

Jensen looked even more alarmed. "How much restriction are we talking about here?" He jumped up and began to pace again. "I'm not sure I can do this."

"Yes, you can." Jared's voice was full of conviction. "Because you won't be alone in this. I'll be with you every step of the way, buddy."

This seemed to reassure Jensen at least somewhat. "But what if it doesn't work?" he asked plaintively.

"If it doesn't work, we'll try something else. We'll look for alternatives until we find something that _will_ help you."

Jensen let that sink in and took a deep, shuddering breath after a long moment. "Okay. Okay, that sounds good. I guess." He bit his lip and eyed the rope again. "So, how do we do this?"

Jared smiled at that. "We're not doing anything right now. It's getting late and you have a lot to think about. We'll need time to give this a try, Jensen, so please don't think this is an easy fix. We can't just wrap the rope around you whenever you get twitchy and expect you to calm down within ten seconds. You need to understand that the first few times will likely take a couple of hours, if not longer."

Jensen's eyes widened at that. "What?" He stared at the rope again, as if trying to decide whether or not he'd be able to go through with this.

"Which brings me to something else." Jared got up and stepped right in front of his friend, placing his hands on Jensen's shoulders. He waited until he had Jensen's full attention. "This is between us. We will never do this or even talk about this unless we're in complete privacy. There is no way anyone is going to find out about this unless we both decide beforehand to share it with someone, and that includes our wives. I do think we should tell them and they'd be fine with it, but ultimately, the decision is yours. I promise I won't make jokes about this or drop hints about it or in any way allude to anything when we're out in public. I'm pretty sure this goes without saying and you already knew that, but I wanted to tell you straight to your face that what we decide to do here or at your place is ours and ours alone."

Jensen listened intently to Jared's little speech and swallowed hard. "Thank you," he finally said softly. "I kinda already knew that but...it's nice to hear it out loud, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Jared gave him an encouraging smile.

"So...we're really gonna do this, huh?"

"Only if you want to."

"I do." Jensen grimaced a little. "To be honest, I don't really think it'll work but I hope I'm wrong."

"As long as you're going into this with an open mind, we stand a fighting chance," Jared said with a small grin.

"Depending on how out of control I am, the open mind thing might become a problem," Jensen admitted reluctantly.

"Do I have permission to force the issue then?"

Jensen frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I would never do anything against your will, I promise you that, but sometimes you might want my help but can't ask for it. Kind of like when you want to stop being so out of control but can't?"

Jensen nodded in understanding. "Like a kid acting up in hopes of the parent stepping in and laying down the law?"

"Yes, though I swear to you, the first time you call me 'daddy' I will smack you." They both shared a quick chuckle. "If you give me permission to take care of you, I might do things you won't like -- not because you don't want me to but because you're too lost in your own head to make the right decisions. You'll know I'm doing the right thing but you'll resent me for it."

Jensen pulled a face when he remembered more than one occasion in the last few weeks when he had snapped at his friend without reason. "I understand, and I apologize in advance for any lip I'll give you."

"Been there and done that, dude. Seriously, I totally get where you're coming from. It's okay." He squeezed Jensen's shoulder. "I want you to think of a safeword. Just in case I misjudge the situation and think you're only acting up but you're actually in serious distress, you need to be able to let me know."

Jensen looked alarmed. "What, so 'stop this shit and untie me right now' won't cut it?"

"No. That's the beauty of it. You get to rant and rage against me all you like. You should; it's cathartic actually. I encourage you to curse up a blue streak if you feel the need to blow off some steam. But in order to make sure I won't mistake your venting for genuine distress, we need to establish a safeword that will tell me immediately that we need to stop."

"So you won't untie me no matter how many times I tell you to?"

"Not unless I'm good and ready or you're using your safeword."

"Huh." Jensen thought for a long moment. "I always figured safewords were for, you know, kinky play."

"They are but I think in this case we should establish a safeword just the same. I know you better than you know yourself probably but that doesn't mean I won't misjudge a situation and cause potential harm." When he saw Jensen smirk a little to himself, Jared quickly added, "And just so you know, your asshole self will probably try to tell you to use the safeword to get out of the situation even though there's no genuine reason. Don't. Just don't. You won't like the consequences."

Jensen's smirk fell off his face. "Like what?"

"Like, this will be the first and only time you'll ever pull this stunt because we'll never do this again. Using a safeword without reason is the ultimate breach of confidence, Jensen, and I won't be able to continue to work with you like this when there's no more trust between us."

Jensen stared in disbelief. "That's...drastic."

"Yes, it is. And I know it seems unfair to you. Some things are non-negotiable though and this is one of them. So, you pick a safeword and you make sure you only use it when you absolutely have to. Okay? Make sure it's a word that you can still remember when you're distressed but that's unusual enough that it won't turn up in a normal conversation."

Jensen looked slightly unconvinced. "Got it."

"In addition, and I'm telling you this for full disclosure so you can make the right decision based on all facts, please keep in mind that you will be naked at least some of the time."

"What?" Jensen immediately postured again. "So this _is_ you perving on me! Damn it, Padalecki, you actually had me there for a while."

Jared just shook his head, refusing to take the bait. "You're doing it again, Jensen. I'm not the enemy here."

"You just told me you want to see me naked!"

"No, I said you _will_ be naked. It's not for my personal pleasure, it's to help you get into the right frame of mind because trust me, being naked while tied up will help you focus on what's really important. Been there and done that, remember? And just as an aside, you idiot, I've already seen you naked. More than once." He raised one eyebrow meaningfully.

Jensen continued to posture a little but then deflated when he realized that Jared was right. They had seen each other naked or half-naked numerous times while living together, getting out of the shower after forgetting to close the bathroom door or going skinny-dipping after one too many drinks in their swimming pool. "Yeah well, still." He gave Jared a speculative look. "You gonna be naked, too?"

"What, you pervin' on me now, Ackles?" One corner of Jared's mouth quirked up.

"Asshole," Jensen muttered, barely suppressing a grin.

"In all seriousness though, no, I won't be naked. I'll be fully clothed for the simple fact that this isn't about kink or sex. It's about helping you. I'm not even going to look at your body except to make sure the rope isn't cutting off any circulation. And don't worry, we'll start out with you only half-naked, okay? But feeling the rope on naked skin will help you. It's more intense. You need to trust me here, Jensen."

"I...I do. I really do. It's just..."

"I know. It's hard. It's probably one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make. That's why we won't be doing anything now. You need to give all of this some serious thought and it's a lot to take in. Just keep in mind that I'm only trying to help, okay?"

Jensen nodded. "I know. Thank you."

"Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"

"Not sure that tying someone up half-naked is in the job description of a friend, but I'm glad you think so."

Jared flashed a bright grin, showing dimples. "Oh, that's just 'cause I'm pervin' on ya, Ackles."

Jensen grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and smacked his friend with it.

*****

The next day was a clusterfuck.

A scheduled 14-hour shooting schedule turned into an actual 16-hour day and they didn't get done until after midnight. At least the entire day, it was only Jared and Jensen in front of the camera, and Jared did his best to take the grunt of Jensen's foul mood to spare the crew. Especially during the second half of the day, with scenes focusing on Dean losing control due to the Mark of Cain, were difficult for everyone.

Jared could see that Jensen tried to keep it together, but as the day progressed, he got more and more aggressive. The man definitely needed help.

So Jared was more than relieved when Jensen came into his trailer the following morning.

"Morning, man," Jared greeted. "You look like shit."

"Yeah well, that's what make-up is for," Jensen replied with a grimace. "But seriously, I haven't slept all night."

"Not surprised. Bet your brain didn't stop whirring for a second."

Jensen grimaced again. "Yeah." He absent-mindedly scratched the inside of his right arm, then stopped as if slapped when he felt Jared's eyes on his arm.

"You know, this would probably stop if you gave my suggestion a try."

Jensen just raised an eyebrow.

"Just telling you. Getting out of your head helps you unwind physically and mentally. You'll sleep like a log afterwards." Jared shrugged. "At least that's how it is for me usually."

"Huh." Jensen scratched his chin. "Sounds too good to be true."

"Tell you what. I know it was a lot to take in, what we talked about the other night. Just think about it a bit more. If you want to give it a try, drop by my place tonight or whenever. If you'd rather not, don't drop by and we'll never talk about it again." Jared crossed his heart. "I promise. However, after what happened yesterday...dude, seriously, we gotta do _something_."

"I know. I know, man, and I've been thinking about...you know, your, uh, proposal. I'm...well, I'm..."

"Curious?"

"Interested. But yeah, also curious." Jensen gave a little self-deprecating shrug.

"Well, in that case, think about it some more, try to keep an eye on your own behavior today and then drop by tonight."

"With a good safeword, an open mind and a lot of patience, right?"

Jared was surprised -- and extremely pleased -- that Jensen had clearly listened when they had talked, but instead of praising his friend, he decided to gently tease him. "Never said it was easy."

"Easy is for wusses," Jensen agreed with a grin. Then he sighed, tapped the inside of his right arm and muttered, "Okay, time to get into make-up." He looked reluctant to leave the sanctuary of Jared's trailer, but then bravely went to face the world.

*****

Jared was getting nervous.

He had been home for over two hours now, and Jensen was still a no-show.

Throughout the day, things had gotten worse again. It really seemed as if Jensen could no longer distinguish between himself and Dean, even though up until the Mark of Cain storyline he had always been able to switch Dean on and off without a problem. It was disturbing to watch at times, and it made Jared sad to see his friend caught in this endless loop of self-destructive behavior.

His morose thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door. Jared shot off his couch as if his pants were on fire and he rushed to open the door.

"Jensen!" he exclaimed, his relief palpable. He waved his friend into the apartment.

"Sorry," Jensen muttered, looking slightly embarrassed. "Had to make a phone call and it took longer than expected."

Jared blinked in surprise. "Phone call?"

"Yeah. Talked to DeeDee. Felt wrong to come here without telling her first." Jensen shrugged, almost shy.

"You told Daneel about this? That's awesome, Jensen. Really. I think you did the right thing." Jared beamed, pleased that his friend felt comfortable enough to talk about this, but then bit his lip when he realized something. "What did she say? Is she okay with us doing this?"

"Oh yeah. She's all for it, actually." Jensen flashed a quick grin and waggled his eyebrows. "And she didn't seem at all surprised when she heard about you knowing your way around ropes."

Jared grinned back. "The girls talk. You know that."

Jensen's eyes widened a little at the implication and the mental images it conjured up. "Dude!" He decided to quickly change the subject. "You're gonna like my safeword."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Jensen grinned. "Stars Hollow."

"You gotta be kidding me."

"Hey, you said it should be something easy to remember but unique enough to not come up in a regular conversation." Jensen spread his arms. "With your constant babbling about being the original Dean, I'd say this fits the bill."

Jared just shook his head with a chuckle. "Stars Hollow it is." He quickly wondered if it would scar him for life, hearing this particular name said as a sign of distress, but figured he'd cross the bridge if he ever came to it.

"So, uh...now what?"

Jared blinked and tried to focus on the matter at hand. "Right. Well, now you get naked and I get to perv on you." He smirked.

Jensen gave him an exaggerated "I'm so done with you!" look that made Jared laugh out loud.

"Okay, seriously though. Here's what we'll do. I'll go get the rope while you get undressed -- everything except your jeans, please. I think the best place to do this is the living room. We'll get you all wrapped up and then we'll wait and see what happens. I promise I'll use a simple bondage style that won't restrict your movement too much and I'll talk you through the whole thing, don't worry. Oh, do you need to use the bathroom first?"

Jensen blinked at the apparent non-sequitur. "Uh, no."

"No problem. It's just easier to go before we start." Jared rubbed his hands together. "Okay, any questions?" When Jensen shook his head, Jared smiled. "Awesome. Let's go then."

*****

The bondage, as promised, was simple and easy.

Jared tied Jensen's wrists together in the small of his back, then looped a second rope around his upper arms three times. He wrapped the first rope several times around the second rope in the middle of Jensen's back, cinching it a little tighter so that Jensen would truly feel having his arms restricted. The way the first and the second rope were connected ensured that Jensen's bound hands were slightly pulled up, further restricting his movements.

They were both silent while Jared worked with the ropes, and once he finished with one last knot, he double-checked his handiwork and pushed a finger between the naked skin and the ropes to make sure it didn't cut off the blood flow. He gave Jensen a questioning look. "How does it feel?"

Jensen twisted his hands a little and then flexed his arm muscles as much as he could. He realized that he still had some range of movement -- not much, but enough to not send him into a panic. "Feels...weird. Unusual."

"Nothing like being handcuffed during filming, right?"

"Or even being tied to a chair or something." Jensen flexed his muscles again. "Not bad, just different."

Jared nodded. "I decided on this bondage style because it only focuses on the upper part of your body but still leaves your torso completely free. I didn't want to restrict your breathing during your first time. Trust me, it's an awesome sensation and we'll try it some other time if you like, but it might've been a bit too much now."

Jensen looked unsure. "I don't know. This here doesn't seem like much, to be honest." He twisted and turned to show how much he could actually still move.

Jared smiled knowingly. "Wait and see." He pulled a throw pillow off his couch and tossed it to the floor. "Let me help you get settled," he said, reaching out to steady Jensen.

"I can do it."

"All right." Jared spread his hands and took a step back, then watched as Jensen tried to kneel down on the pillow...and almost face-planted into the coffee table in the process. Jared grabbed his friend's bound arms just in time and helped him into position. "Your center of balance is off when you're bound. You'll get used to it eventually, but the first few times can be jarring. Especially when it's not a lot of bondage to begin with."

"This is stupid," Jensen groused and tried to get up again.

Jared placed a heavy hand on his friend's shoulder. "You stay right there until I'm good and ready to let you up again," he said, his voice calm but stern, brooking no argument. "If you do need to use the bathroom, let me know and I'll help you. Other than that, I don't really want to hear from you unless it's your safeword." He began to slowly circle Jensen.

"But I--"

"If you have a genuine question or you begin to feel unsettled, please don't hesitate to talk to me. Jensen, the silence is supposed to help you. Talking is a distraction. Try to focus on yourself, on the feel of the ropes on your skin." He slowly, gently, almost teasingly let his fingers trail along the ropes, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

"No talking sounds boring."

"This isn't supposed to be entertainment, you know? This is to help you get out of your head." Jared watched how Jensen's hands twisted in their bindings, how the fingers of his left hand tried to reach the inside of his right arm. He placed his hand on top of Jensen's, stilling the fingers. "It's to help you stop doing this," he added gently.

Jensen gasped softly. It was obvious that he hadn't even realized what he was doing.

Jared gently tilted Jensen's head down so that he was staring at his lap. "Try to focus on yourself. Don't get distracted by this room or the TV or what I'm doing." He began to circle Jensen again, giving the bound body a critical look. "I'd strongly suggest relaxing your posture a little," he advised. "No actual slouching but no stick-in-the-butt either. You'll be in this position for a good long while, Jensen. Try your best to be comfortable."

"What if my legs fall asleep?"

"Then you'll tell me and I'll help you sit on your butt. Or we'll walk around the apartment for a few minutes."

Jensen shifted on his knees. "Can't I sit on the couch instead?"

Jared stopped directly in front of his friend and waited until he looked up. "No," he then said firmly.

"This is stupid," Jensen groused.

"You promised to give this a try," Jared reminded him gently. "We haven't even really started yet." He sat down on the couch, close enough to touch his friend with his leg if he wanted to. "Don't you want to be able to tell Daneel about your first successful outing into the world of all things bondage?"

"We don't know if this'll be successful," Jensen countered.

"Not with this attitude, it won't."

Jensen opened his mouth to argue but then snapped it shut again when he realized the truth behind those words. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Don't be sorry, Jensen. Be open-minded and give it a try. That's all I ask. Okay?"

Jensen heaved a deep sigh. "Yeah, okay." He closed his eyes and dropped his head again a little.

Jared watched him closely, saw how hard Jensen was trying to relax. "I will never leave you to your own devices," he said softly after a few minutes, as if wanting to make sure not to startle his friend. "I'll always keep an eye on you. If, for whatever reason, I need to leave the room, I'll definitely still be within earshot. You're safe with me, Jensen."

Jensen took a deep, shuddering breath, as if trying hard to get rid of his inner turmoil. "I know. I do know. Thanks, Jare."

They spent the next hour in this position, with Jensen kneeling on the floor next to Jared sitting on the couch. There was a game on TV, muted, but Jared barely paid attention to it. Instead, he kept his eyes on Jensen, looking for any signs of distress and hoping against hope that his friend would finally manage to find the elusive peace of mind they were trying to achieve with this little experiment.

Instead, Jensen began to fidget again. "This isn't working," he muttered, agitated.

"It will." Jared dropped his hand on Jensen's neck and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You're trying too hard, buddy."

"You told me to try!"

"Yes, but not to obsess." Jared began to massage his friend's neck. "Close your eyes and take a couple of slow, deep breaths." He waited until Jensen had complied. "Good. Now again. And again. Clear your mind. Make it blank. Don't think of anything. Instead, focus on the feel of the ropes." When Jensen began to twitch in place, Jared stopped massaging. He just let his hand rest on Jensen's neck. "They don't restrict you, Jensen. They set you free if you let them."

Jensen frowned. "This doesn't make sense," he muttered.

"No talking. No thinking. Relax and feel." As soon as he felt Jensen relax even minutely, Jared began to massage the tense neck and shoulders as reward. Whenever Jensen began to tense or fight his bonds, he stilled his hand.

It took another half an hour of back-and-forth before Jensen finally managed to truly relax.

"Good job, buddy," Jared whispered fiercely, squeezing Jensen's neck. In response, Jensen slouched slightly against Jared's leg, suddenly boneless and with a contented look on his face.

They stayed like this for a while longer, Jared wanting to make sure that the bondage had really done the trick, but the way Jensen remained melted against Jared's side, it became obvious that they had been successful.

"Hey, buddy, it's getting late." Jared jostled his friend gently and then smiled at the slightly glassy look in Jensen's eyes. "Think you're ready to get up?"

"Hmm?" Jensen gave him a goofy little smile. "Tired."

"I bet." Jared reached out to take off the ropes, making sure to go slowly.

"No," Jensen protested once he realized what was going on. "Like it like that."

"I'm sure you do, but it'll be pretty uncomfortable trying to sleep like that, trust me."

Jensen seemed to give this some deep thought, judging by the concentrated look on his face. "I guess you're right," he finally said with a bright smile. "You're so smart, Jared."

Jared chuckled at that. "Boy, you managed to drop deep on your first try, didn't you? Why am I not surprised?" He finished untangling the ropes from Jensen's body and carefully helped his friend up. Jensen was a bit wobbly on his feet at first and leaned into Jared, who wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder. "How do you feel?"

"Hmm...floaty." Jensen giggled softly to himself.

"Floaty is good."

"Yeah, floaty is awesome." Jensen beamed broadly. "Maybe I can fly?"

"I doubt that, buddy. But maybe you can try to get some sleep?"

Jensen gave this some serious thought. "Sleep is awesome, too." He wrapped his arms around Jared and squeezed tight, then placed his head on the broad chest and closed his eyes.

"Not right here," Jared said with a chuckle. "C'mon." He carefully steered Jensen towards his guestroom but changed his mind halfway there. The way Jensen was stumbling along, humming happily to himself, it was obvious that his friend had dropped and dropped hard.

Jared hadn't anticipated such a strong reaction, especially not the first time around. It was definitely promising for future sessions; if a couple of hours in bondage managed to get Jensen so thoroughly out of his head, they might be able to get a handle on his aggression. Either way, he couldn't leave Jensen in the guestroom. Who knew what he would get up to, left to his own devices in the mental state he was currently in?

"Sleep now?" Jensen asked plaintively, clearly not happy with standing in the middle of the hallway.

"Sleep now," Jared replied with a decisive nod, steering them both into his bedroom.

*****

"I haven't slept so well in ages," Jensen enthused the next morning. "God, I feel rested." He stretched himself languidly.

"Glad to hear it." Jared finished getting dressed and drained the last of his coffee. He smiled at his friend. "So, other than rested, how do you feel?"

Jensen thought about this for a long moment, then shrugged. "Can't really explain it. I just feel great." He beamed broadly. "Thanks so much for suggesting the whole bondage thing, dude. It really worked!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jared held up his hands. "This was just the first try. You're not cured or whatever it is you think we did. We're gonna have to do this again, Jensen. I'm really happy this worked so well for you because it means we found a way to deal with...you know, your issues, but this isn't a one-time thing."

"Nonsense. I feel awesome." Jensen all but twirled in place. "Now get crackin'. Clif's picking us up any minute now."

*****

  
[ ](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/sinfulslasher/6185781/502515/502515_original.jpg)  


A couple of hours later, Jensen crashed spectacularly.

Jared was surprised that his high had gone on for so long; in fact, he had been convinced that Jensen would wake up "normal" again. But when he saw Jensen crash, turning weepy and highly emotional from one second to the next while going over his lines in the make-up trailer, he swooped in to the rescue as best he could.

"We should've done this when we had a day off the next morning," he muttered, consoling a softly crying Jensen in his trailer. "This is bad. Really bad."

"I know we can't go back to your place right now, but maybe you could tie me up here? Just for a little while? Between takes?" Jensen wheedled. "I want to feel like I did last night again. Please?"

"No, Jensen. We can't do that. We talked about this, remember?" Jared rubbed a hand over his face. There was a knock, and a PA was shouting through the door that they were needed on set. "Hey, tell you what. We'll do our best to get through today's shooting schedule asap and then we go home and try out some new bondage. What do you say?"

"I don't want to go back to being an aggressive asshole, Jare." Jensen pointed at the Mark of Cain prosthetic on his arm.

"I know. And we'll do our best to keep you in check, okay? Just remember that the sooner we're done shooting, the sooner we can go home. Try your best to keep things under control. That will help us get our work done, right?"

"Right." Jensen wiped his nose. "Will you help me?"

"I'll do my damn best. You can count on me," Jared said fiercely.

Jensen sniffled at that. "Why am I so weepy?"

"Because I misjudged the situation and didn't help you land safely when I had the chance. I'm sorry, buddy."

"I don't understand."

"I know. It's okay." Jared wrapped his friend in a bear hug. "Do you think you'll be able to get out there and be big bad Dean for a few hours without falling apart?"

"No...?" Jensen mumbled unconvincingly.

"That's the spirit." Jared gave him one last big squeeze and then stepped back. "We'll get through today and as reward, there's some special quality time waiting for you after work. What do you say?"

Jensen nodded slowly. "This better be worth it," he muttered.

"I promise I'll think of something extra special."

*****

The crew was used to the boys' Winchester-like codependent behavior but they were still surprised by Jensen's sudden clinginess. He constantly seemed to look at Jared for help or approval, which really was rather unusual for him, especially considering his behavior the last few weeks.

Of course, after a couple of hours, the volatile and aggressive Jensen they had come to expect returned. It was almost reassuring to go back to what was "normal" these days, even though it meant more stress for everyone involved.

Jared wrapped before Jensen did, but he decided to stick around and wait for his friend to finish shooting his last scene of the day.

By the time Jensen was ready to leave the set, he was firmly in asshole mode.

Jared jumped into the SUV, getting comfortable on the backseat next to Jensen, just as Clif was about to drive off. "Hey, guys," he greeted with a friendly smile. "Clif, you can drop us both off at my place."

Jensen immediately glowered and Clif shot them both a questioning look through the rearview mirror. "Jensen?"

It was obvious that Jensen was going to tell Clif to take him to his place instead, so Jared quickly added, "By the way, Daneel called and asked how our project was coming along."

It was a blatant lie, but it did the trick. Jensen was shocked into silence for a moment. He shot Jared an unsure look and then muttered, "Yeah, we're gonna go to Jared's place. I'll catch a cab home later tonight. Thanks, Clif."

Clif still looked unconvinced but merely shrugged. "Sure. Whatever."

*****

The entire drive home was spent in uncomfortable silence, but as soon as the apartment door closed behind them, Jensen rounded on Jared. "You talked to my wife?"

"Actually, no. But I could've." Jared shrugged and flashed a quick grin. "I'm kinda surprised you didn't call her this morning. I'm sure she's dying to hear how our little experiment went."

"What was I supposed to tell her? It didn't work. You saw what happened. I'm not gonna end up like a weepy, needy wimp again, that's for sure." He turned toward the door, his intentions to leave obvious.

Jared casually leaned against the door, effectively cutting off Jensen's escape route. "That was entirely my fault and I apologize for misjudging the situation. Now that I know what to look out for, I promise this isn't going to happen again."

"It sure as hell won't 'cause we won't be playing with ropes anymore, Padalecki."

"Don't you want to go back to what you had last night?" Jared cocked his head, looking honestly curious. "When you finally found your inner peace? This beautiful place in your mind where you don't have to think anymore? Where all you do is feel?"

Jensen snorted. "That was a fluke."

"No, it wasn't. It was perfect. You're made for this, Jensen. You said yourself you haven't felt so rested in ages. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't sleep like a log last night."

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Everything." Jared spread his arms wide. "You can have that again, dude. And I solemnly swear, without the emo epilogue this time."

"Yeah, right. How're ya gonna accomplish that, huh?"

"Now that I know you're a natural, I'll make sure you land safely before we go to sleep."

"You said that this morning. What does that even mean?"

"It means I'll help you come back up from the deep mental drop you'll experience." Jared frowned a little, trying to find the right words to explain. "Do you remember much about last night?"

Jensen just shrugged.

"You said you felt floaty. Do you remember that?"

Jensen shrugged again but then reluctantly nodded his head.

"It felt awesome, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You felt that way because you dropped." Jared tapped his temple. "You let go of everything and just _felt_. You didn't think about anything anymore. You just felt free and happy, without a care in the world, and it was great and liberating. Right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Liar." Jared smiled to take the sting out of the word. "You loved it and you want to feel like that again. I can help you get there. But I can also help you get back to the real world in a controlled manner." He tapped his temple again. "Mentally. You'll slowly crawl out of your happy place. You'll slowly start to be aware of everything around you again without feeling overwhelmed. That's what happened this morning. I thought you'd wake up in your normal mental state but you didn't. You had dropped so hard last night, you woke up the same way. That's absolutely awesome, Jensen, and something to be cherished, but only if you have time to adjust to the real world again, and we didn't have that time this morning. That's why you crashed so badly a couple of hours later. You just got overwhelmed by your emotions. It's pretty normal and you can't really help it. This was entirely my fault, not yours. You did nothing wrong. So please, don't deprive yourself of what you had last night because I misjudged the situation."

Jensen gave him a judgmental look but didn't say anything.

"Just think how happy Daneel will be."

"Low blow, Padalecki."

"Not ashamed of using dirty tricks, Ackles."

Despite himself, Jensen felt one corner of his mouth quirk up. He knew intellectually that Jared only wanted what was best for him. "Okay," he finally said. "One last chance. If anything like this morning happens again, we're through."

"Sounds fair to me."

*****

Jared used a more elaborate bondage style this time.

For one thing, he included Jensen's torso, wrapping the rope around it and crossing it front and back to carefully restrict deep breathing. Then he tied Jensen's arms down at his sides, all but immobilizing them.

"This might be too much for only your second time but you're such a natural, I'd like to give it a try," Jared said while uncoiling another rope.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Spread your legs a little."

Jensen raised an eyebrow but did as he was told.

Jared then proceeded to carefully tie his friend's ankles to his thighs, effectively taking away Jensen's chance to stand up or even kneel up. "Now, this is for the advanced participants of our little group," he teased gently. "But you're such an over-achiever, I think you'll be able to manage." He placed one end of the rope into Jensen's hand. "However, it might still be too much so I used quick-release knots. If at any moment you feel overwhelmed by the restriction, all you have to do is yank on the rope. Go on, try it."

Jensen shot him a questioning look but did as he was told. The rope around his legs immediately unraveled and he was able to kneel up.

"See?" Jared asked, re-tying the rope. "I'd be thrilled if you managed to stay in this bondage but I won't be disappointed if you pulled free. Okay? So don't try to endure for my sake. This is just an experiment, Jensen. I'm pushing your limits here so there's no shame in telling me it's too much." When Jensen didn't respond, Jared gave him a gentle poke. "You hear me?"

"Yeah."

"Which means you'll use the quick-release if you need to?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Jared frowned, not at all happy. "If you don't think you can pull on the rope, what else can you do to get out of the situation?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "I'm not an idiot or a baby, you know?"

"Well, I hope so. Humor me, please."

"Use my safeword," Jensen mumbled with an annoyed sigh.

"Right. Which is?" Jared asked lightly while checking his handiwork.

"Oh my god, seriously?"

Jared's frown deepened and he shuffled around on his knees until he was right in front of his friend. He waited until they had locked eyes. "Dead serious," he said gravely. "So, safeword?"

"Stars Hollow."

"Good man." Jared gave a quick nod. "Now, take a deep breath and tell me if you're okay with the bondage. I can still loosen it some."

Jensen rolled his eyes again, making it clear that he found Jared's mother-henning ridiculous, and took a deep breath. His eyes widened slightly when he realized just how restrictive the bondage was.

"Too tight?"

"No. Uh, no. Just...unexpected." Jensen took another deep breath and groaned softly when the rope cut into his ribs a little.

"I suggest taking slow and even breaths, the way you learned yesterday. If that's not enough to help you blank your mind, try adding the occasional deep breath. It'll remind you of how tight the rope is wrapped around you. Remember, the rope is your friend. Being restricted helps setting you free."

"Yeah. Yeah, I remember." Jensen sounded a little unsure, as if reluctant to admit just how well this had worked the previous evening. He waited until Jared was comfortably slouching on the couch next to him until he softly, almost shyly, asked, "Could you, uh, massage my neck a little? This helped a lot, too."

"It did?" Jared sounded pleased and happily wrapped his hand around Jensen's neck. He gave it a friendly squeeze. "Close your eyes and control your breathing, buddy." And just like the previous evening, he began to massage Jensen's neck as reward for trying his best.

*****

This time, Jensen dropped faster.

After about an hour, using deep breaths occasionally to remind himself of the restricting bondage, he slouched against Jared's leg and began to hum softly to himself.

Jared immediately smiled. "How're ya feelin'?"

Jensen just hummed louder, a contented look on his face.

"Floaty again, huh?"

"Hmm."

"Not much of a talker when you're floating?"

"Nuh-huh."

Jared chuckled. "You have any idea how proud I am of you, buddy? You really are a natural. Awesome job, Jensen."

Jensen beamed. "Thank you!" He placed his chin on Jared's knee and gave him an adoring smile. "Awesome job, too, Jared."

"Well, thank you to you, too." He began to finger-comb through Jensen's short hair, making it spiky. Jensen began to purr like a contented cat. "We're gonna stay like this for a little while and then we'll help you land safely. What do you say?"

Jensen frowned at that. "Don't wanna land. Wanna fly."

"And you can. But only for a little while, okay? You're a very quick learner, Jensen. You learned how to fly and now you need to learn how to land. We don't want you to crash again, remember?"

Jensen's frown deepened, as if in full concentration. "Yeah," he finally muttered, shaking his head. "That was no fun."

"No, it definitely wasn't. So you need to learn how to land safely. Kinda like how you learn how to fall in a controlled manner before they even begin to show you how to stage-fight."

The look of utter confusion on Jensen's face showed clearly that he couldn't follow Jared's logic. He made a soft noise of unhappiness.

"It's okay. Never mind." Jared scratched Jensen's scalp reassuringly. "Just float for a little while longer, all right?"

"Hmm." Jensen closed his eyes and smiled happily. "Being floaty is awesome."

*****

After about an hour, Jared decided it was time to bring Jensen back into the real world.

"Hey, buddy?" he said softly, bouncing his knee and thus jostling Jensen, who was leaning against Jared's leg, slightly.

"Hmm?"

"How do you feel?"

"Awesome!" Jensen blinked his eyes open and flashed a big grin. He wiggled a little to show off the bondage. "Can we do that again?"

"Absolutely. Anytime you want or need."

"Like...now?" Jensen asked, full of hope.

"But you're already trussed up like a turkey," Jared pointed out reasonably.

Jensen seemed to give this some thought. "Well, that's true," he finally said. "But we could take off the ropes and start all over again."

"I think it's getting a little too late for that tonight but I like your idea of taking off the ropes." Jared slowly reached down to untie the rope around Jensen's legs. "We should have you up on your feet and stretch those adorable bow-legs of yours."

Jensen wrinkled his nose. "Not adorable."

"Well, cute then."

Jensen wrinkled his nose even more. "Not cute either!"

Jared chuckled at the look of disgust on Jensen's face but decided to humor him. "Fine. Your very manly bow-legs then. C'mon, big guy, up and at 'em." He grabbed his friend under the arms and slowly, carefully helped him up.

Jensen groaned when his legs were stretched and leaned heavily against Jared.

"Stand or sit?"

"Stand," Jensen muttered, only to find his knees buckling slightly.

"Sit it is," Jared agreed blithely and deposited his friend on the couch. "I'm going to get us some water, okay? Want the rest of the ropes on or off?"

Jensen looked up in horror. "On!" he protested, shrinking back as if trying to keep the ropes away from nimble fingers.

"No problem." Jared raised his hands. "But they'll have to come off eventually, you know?"

"I know." Jensen looked crushed at the mere idea.

When Jared came back from the kitchen, two bottles of water in his hands, Jensen's eyes tracked him carefully. "Hey, buddy. How're ya feelin'?"

"Not so floaty anymore."

"That's okay. We can get you there again. But remember what we talked about? Learning how to land safely? Well, you're doing it right now." Jared twisted the cap off one water bottle and held it for Jensen to take a few sips from. "We need to make sure you're slowly coming back to the real world even though I totally get that the floaty place is way more awesome."

Jensen cocked his head. "And how do we do that?"

Jared shrugged. "We're doing it right now actually. We're talking about stuff. I'm asking questions and you're answering me. We're making you think again. We're taking off the ropes." He gestured at Jensen's freed legs.

"Not all of them!" Jensen immediately protested, pressing back against the couch, away from Jared. "I like it like that."

"That's fine. We'll take our time." Jared got comfortable in the other corner of the couch. "We don't want to go too slow because then we might not bring you back properly. That's what happened this morning. But we also don't want to do it too fast because that would only make you crash."

"We don't want that," Jensen agreed with a decisive shake of his head.

"Absolutely not." Jared smiled like an indulgent parent. "So you wanna spend the night here again? I wouldn't mind."

"Can I?" Jensen asked with a hopeful look.

"Of course you can. You're always welcome here."

Jensen beamed. "Just like you at my place," he said, nodding solemnly. Then he got a sly look on his face. "Can I sleep with you again?"

"You mean in my bed?"

Jensen nodded.

"I don't see why not. Though I gotta tell ya, you're worse than an octopus." Jared grinned.

Jensen grinned back. "You make a great pillow. Normally I'm more of a starfish, taking up the entire space." He tried to spread his arms and legs to demonstrate, but with the ropes still binding his arms at his sides, he only managed to move his legs. He looked slightly confused for a moment but then chuckled to himself.

"Want me to untie you? You could show me your starfish impression."

"No." Jensen looked slightly stubborn. "I like the ropes."

"Alrighty then." Jared shrugged agreeably and reached out to the end table next to him. He pulled out the small drawer and grabbed a bag of gummy bears. "So, with the sleeping arrangements settled, do we need to discuss anything else?" He opened the bag, grabbed a handful of gummy bears and shoved them into his mouth with a hum of appreciation.

Jensen's eyes were immediately locked on the treat. He swallowed hard, all but salivating.

Jared gave him an innocent look. "Oh, you want some?" He held the opened bag under Jensen's nose so he could get a whiff of the juicy gummy bears. "Haribo. The Germans really know how to make the best gummy bears, don't they?"

Jensen made an unhappy little noise and opened his mouth like a baby bird.

"Oh, I'm not going to feed you," Jared said with a chuckle. "Dude, they're _my_ gummy bears. Get your own."

"Lemme fight you for 'em." Jensen made grabby hands, which were pretty much completely ineffective, the way they were tied close to his hips.

"Want me to take off the ropes?"

"Yeah."

Jared smiled to himself. Using Jensen's favorite candy might have been a cheap trick, but it had obviously helped him to achieve his goal. Jensen might still be a little floaty, but he was definitely already descending quite nicely and steadily. The actual landing was going to happen soon enough.

Once the ropes were gone, Jensen immediately grabbed a handful of gummy bears and shoved them into his mouth. "Can we end every scene like this?" he asked in between making almost obscenely happy noises.

"Scene?"

"Yeah. You know. This." Jensen gestured between them and then pointed at the ropes. "Whatever you wanna call it."

"Oh." Jared nodded. "I was just a little thrown because a scene usually indicates kinky-- Never mind. Scene is good but we can call it whatever we like really. Session. Quality time." He leaned closer and whispered with a broad grin, "Dirty little secret."

Jensen threw a gummy bear at his friend. "You're such an idiot."

*****

The next morning had Jensen more than a little worried. "What do we do tonight?"

Jared pretended to give the question some thought. "Well, we wrap shooting for the week, seeing as it's Friday and all, board a plane and fly home. Austin's waiting for us, dude."

"Yeah, but..." Jensen gestured between them. "This...this thing between us worked last night. I didn't crash, right? And I woke up well rested but not manic-happy like yesterday morning. This is great, isn't it? It's really working and it's great and we gotta do it again tonight."

"Dude." Jared grabbed his friend's shoulders and gave him a slight shake. "We're gonna spend some quality time at home tonight. At our _respective_ homes. I'm not gonna come over and tie you up, Jensen."

"But..." Jensen's face fell almost comically. "I feel awesome when you tie me up. Like, you really saved me, man. You can't just stop!"

"And I won't. I'm glad we found something that really works for you, dude, but I'm still not gonna spend tonight tying you up, sorry." He gave Jensen's shoulder a squeeze. "Hey, don't you want to tell Daneel how great our project is going? I'm sure she's dying to hear the news."

"I guess..." Jensen looked up, unsure. "You really think so?"

"I know so." Jared smiled reassuringly.

Jensen suddenly got a sly look on his face. "And what if she wants to see a demonstration?"

Jared chuckled. "Then you'll have to paint very vivid mental images." He grabbed his wallet and keys. "Come on, Clif's gonna pick us up any second now."

"Hey!" Jensen suddenly looked panicked. "What about Sunday?"

"What about Sunday?"

"The convention."

Jared shrugged. "Well, we're gonna fly in Saturday night, get a good night's sleep, play our part all of Sunday making nice with our fans and then fly to Vancouver so we can go back to work Monday morning."

"What if I'm out of control again by Sunday?"

"First of all, you won't. I'll be there and I'll help you. Second of all, we've been to cons in the last few weeks and you haven't lost it on stage or while doing photo ops at the worst of times. The couple of times you got snarky and grumpy, everyone thought you were channeling Dean and loved it. So, you'll be fine."

"Will you tie me up Saturday night?" Jensen looked hopeful.

"No, dude. I'm not going to be traveling with bondage ropes in my bag."

Jensen looked unhappy. "But what if I really need your help?"

"I'm always there for you and you know it. If you feel things are getting out of control, let me know and we'll figure something out, okay?"

"Okay." Jensen looked unconvinced. After a long moment, he wheedled, "Sunday night at your place though?"

Jared laughed softly and mock-rolled his eyes. "Yes, we can come back here Sunday night. God, I created a monster."

*****

The weekend went better than expected.

Cast and crew had been pleasantly surprised by Jensen's mostly friendly attitude at work on Friday, and during the flight to the convention Saturday evening, Jensen was very pleased to tell Jared how proud Daneel had been of him and the progress they had made. The convention itself was a bit overwhelming at times, but Jensen kept it together for the most part.

Still, he was more than ready to "continue work on our special project" when they entered Jared's apartment Sunday night, and Jared was more than happy to oblige.

*****

They continued in this vein, finding their stride and their very own rhythm, during the next few weeks.

Jensen continued to improve and learned in leaps and bounds until he managed to drop and drop deep almost as soon as the ropes were wrapped around him. He also knew how to land safely again without much help or prompting from Jared. The gummy bear snack at the end of each session had turned into a beloved tradition for them both.

Even though work became more and more stressful for Jensen, with the season finale drawing near and the Mark of Cain plotline escalating, Jensen had his mood swings mostly under control. There was still some character bleeding happening after really intense scenes, but even then the rest of the cast and the crew didn't have to fear Jensen's unbridled wrath anymore.

For the most part, the sessions between Jared and Jensen were about maintenance these days, a mere precaution, and no longer about helping Jensen to get out of his head and find a way to stay in control. It was almost like spending an hour or two in meditation, with only a bare minimum of bondage to help Jensen focus on the matter at hand.

They still spent most evenings together, even though they sometimes just hung out and watched TV, and Jensen slept either in Jared's guestroom or at his own place these days.

It was almost anti-climactic when they finally wrapped for the season and things were all but back to normal between Jensen and the rest of the cast and crew. Jared was just grateful that everyone would be able to spend a relaxing summer and come back to work in a few months, well rested and in good spirits.

*****

  
[ ](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/sinfulslasher/6185781/502654/502654_original.jpg)  


****

_A few months later..._  


Jared grinned broadly when he opened his door. "Hiya there, Mr. Director."

Jensen grinned back and walked into Jared's apartment. They gave each other a long hug, Jensen being careful not to hurt his friend's injured shoulder. "When did you fly in?"

"Landed a couple of hours ago. Haven't even unpacked all of my stuff."

"Well, I'm glad you're now here and no longer in Austin. I missed you this past week. Did ya miss me?"

"Absolutely not." Jared smirked and ducked the smack directed at him. "So, you ready to shoot the very first scene of season ten tomorrow?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Season ten, dude. Our little show is now officially a decade old. Who'd've thunk it, right?"

"Yeah." Jensen looked slightly overwhelmed by the fact. "And it still doesn't get boring."

"Well, demon Dean is definitely a new plot twist," Jared said with a chuckle.

"For only three episodes, man. What a waste of opportunity, if you ask me."

Jared gave him a sideways glance. "You sure? I mean, considering the whole Mark of Cain storyline, Dean becoming a demon is basically just the epilogue."

"Yeah, but he'll be a fun demon."

Jared chortled. "There's no such thing as a fun demon." He shrugged. "Well, aside from Ruby, for entirely different reasons." He leered and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Jensen rolled his eyes at his friend's prepubescent comments. "I meant it'll be fun to play demon Dean. I wish I had a few more episodes to explore him."

"So you'll be okay with the more brutal scenes? Dean being violent and out of control and nasty to everyone, from Crowley to his brother?"

"It won't be a problem, trust me."

"Okay." Jared didn't really look convinced. "Just saying, in case you feel the need to, you know, get out of your head again or anything, I'm here for you."

"I know, Jare. Thanks." Jensen cleared his throat, suddenly looking a little nervous. "Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about this."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Let's sit down then and talk." Jared led the way into the living room.

Once they were both sitting on the couch, Jensen cleared his throat. Twice. "Okay, so...the thing is, I've thought a lot about what we did back in Spring."

Jared nodded, not sure where this was going.

"And it was really great. I mean, I'm pretty sure you saved me back then. Like, literally. Dude, I won't ever be able to thank you enough for that."

"You're my friend," Jared replied quietly. "I'd do anything for you."

"I know that. Right back atcha, you know that. But the thing is..." Jensen scratched the back of his neck nervously. "I miss it."

Jared frowned slightly. "Miss what exactly?"

Jensen gestured vaguely. "The connection we had, for one thing."

"Dude. We're best friends. We can't get any closer without becoming one person."

Jensen smiled slightly at that. "True. But it was still different. It was more, I dunno, intense."

"Well, you were in a different headspace."

"Thanks to you."

Jared shrugged and smiled a little. "Yeah, I guess."

"And I really liked the bondage aspect, you know?"

Jared couldn't believe that Jensen was blushing. "Are you pervin' on me, Ackles?" he teased.

Jensen ducked his head a little and blushed harder.

It was all the answer Jared needed. Realizing that he had to tread carefully, he asked, "Have you ever tried anything kinky before?"

Jensen shook his head. After a long moment, he mumbled, "Fantasized about it, though."

"With men?" Jared pressed. He had never known Jensen to be anything but into women.

Jensen shook his head again. "With you," he whispered. "Fantasized about it with you. Only ever you."

"Jesus, Jensen."

"I mean, I've read about kinks and I saw pictures and watched a couple of videos...who hasn't, right? I've always been a little curious about the whole thing but I never thought I'd really be into any of it. I mean, I still don't know what exactly I'd be into. Except the bondage thing, obviously. I mean, I know that what we did wasn't about being kinky. I get that. And I totally get how and why you're compartmentalizing the whole kinky play and the...the..." He waved one hand around vaguely. "The therapy sessions. But I still think -- no, I _know_ \-- that I'll like bondage as kink. I mean, just looking at all the things you can do with a rope! I saw that one photo of a full body bondage rope harness that ties the arms to the side and even wraps around the genitals and I just knew I had to experience it! And there are so many other things I'm curious about and would like to try out and--"

"Jensen?"

"Yeah?"

"You're babbling." Jared smiled softly. He couldn't help but be utterly charmed by his friend, who was so uncharacteristically unsure of himself.

Jensen managed to blush even harder. "Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry." Jared reached out to squeeze his friend's shoulder. "I'm just surprised by what you just told me, is all."

"It's just that you're the only one I'd ever trust to do this with."

"Jesus, Jensen." Jared felt sucker punched. He reached down to adjust his jeans a little to make room for his suddenly growing erection. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me here?"

Jensen's eyes dropped to his friend's groin. A smug little smile played on his lips. "I could probably take care of that," he said. Then his eyes widened. "I mean, with my hand. Or maybe my mouth. I'm not sure if I could..." He wiggled a little in place, as if clenching his ass involuntarily. "I think I'll need to work up to that."

" _Jesus_ , Jensen."

"Sex is part of kinky play, isn't it? I mean, I figured I'd have to put out." He immediately frowned and shook his head. "That came out wrong. All I meant was, I've never done it with a guy before and you said kinky play includes sex for you, so I figured, if I'm lucky enough and you say yes, I'd get two cherries popped, the kinky one and the guy sex one."

"Seriously, Jensen. Jesus F. Christ on a crutch. You're killing me here."

"Is that a yes?"

Jensen looked so hopeful, so worried he'd be rejected, that Jared had to reassure him. "It's a hells-to-the-yes-and-back from me." When Jensen beamed at him, Jared held up a hand. "But, and this is a big but, what does Daneel say to all this? We're both married, dude. I can't do this without--"

"We have her blessing," Jensen rushed to say. He looked slightly embarrassed. "It was actually kinda her idea. She told me she'd never seen me moping like that before. I still love her more than life, but this is something she can't give me." He bit his lip once he realized that there was another wife in the equation.

As usual, Jared seemed to be able to read his friend's mind. "I've had Gen's permission for years," he said with a grin. "She 'ships us."

Jensen snorted a laugh at that.

"So I guess that's a yes all around then, huh?" Jared smiled. "I have to admit, this is definitely _not_ what I imagined happening when you asked if I wanted to hang out tonight."

Jensen spread his arms a little. "Surprise?" he sing-songed.

Jared laughed out loud at that. "Dude, I love you." He leaned over to steal a quick kiss. "There'll be plenty more where this came from. And I can't wait to get kinky on your ass but there's gonna be lots of talking before we can get started, you know that, right?"

"Oh yeah. Likes and dislikes, soft limits and hard limits. That kind of stuff. Right?"

"Look at you, Mr. Smarty-Pants." Jared rewarded the correct answer with another kiss. "And even after discussing everything, I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little longer before we can do anything serious." He gestured at his injured shoulder. "We should be able to find some stuff we could try out though, don't worry."

"I'm not worried. I'm just glad you said yes."

Jared all but melted at that. "Tell you what. Why don't we make it an early night tonight? You gotta be on set at oh-fuck-it's-early so you can do all your director-y stuff and I gotta explain to my dick not to stand up and beg every time I see you from now on because that would make things really awkward on set."

Jensen looked entirely too pleased with himself, hearing this. "So we're really gonna do this?" he asked.

"Oh hell yes, we're definitely gonna do this."

*****

When Jared walked out of the bathroom the next morning, freshly showered and gloriously naked, he saw an equally naked Jensen standing in the middle of his bedroom, staring at the bite mark on his hip bone.

Even though they still had to have a serious discussion about their wants and needs in a kinky relationship, they had exchanged little bits and pieces of information while cuddling in bed together the previous night, and one of Jensen's hot buttons turned out to be being marked.

He didn't know which kind of marks he'd love -- Jared had listed a variety of different ways that seemed to overwhelm Jensen, from simple biting to spankings and canings, to permanent markings like tats and brandings -- but he did know that he wanted some tangible proof that their talk and especially Jared's promise wasn't just a figment of his imagination.

Not really physically capable of doing anything elaborate -- not to mention being too lazy to get up and try to find an appropriate implement -- Jared decided to go with a classic bite mark. He had shimmied down Jensen's body and sucked and bit on the left hip bone until a clear mark was visible. They'd felt that this was a pretty safe body part to mark -- with the way Dean tended to end up bruised and battered, Jensen had to regularly spend hours half-naked in the make-up trailer. Anything that remained covered by his underpants seemed like a safe enough place though.

Jared stopped in his tracks and watched Jensen for a few moments. The way Jensen was caressing the mark, the dreamy look on Jensen's face, the soft smile of pure happiness, made Jared's cock twitch.

He walked up to Jensen and wrapped his arms around him from behind, holding him close.

Jensen's smile widened and he interlaced their fingers, holding their hands close to where Jared had marked Jensen's body as his.

"Beautiful," Jared whispered into Jensen's ear before kissing and licking his neck, careful not to actually leave a mark there. His cock twitched again when Jensen's hummed happily, and he felt it slip between Jensen's ass cheeks, nestling there.

Jared closed his eyes for a long moment, just soaking up the closeness, the intimacy of the moment. When he opened his eyes again, he had his head turned a little and was looking off to his right side. His reflection stared right back at him. Jensen didn't even seem to be aware of the fact that they were standing next to a full-length mirror, but Jared was completely enthralled by the beautiful sight of the two of them, completely naked, Jensen with his soft smile focusing on their entwined hands while he, Jared, was wrapped protectively around him.

The intense, possessive look on his own face surprised Jared a little, but then again, right at this moment, all he could think was, "Mine."

And he knew, he just _knew_ , that no matter what the future would bring, nothing was ever going to break them apart.

THE END


End file.
